Broken · Broken and Broke · Moving on · Picking up the pieces · Starting over · Where to begin?

My broken relationship has broken me … my anxiety is suffocating me … how do I move forward without just wanting to run away from everything?

So … here I am, wondering how I’m meant to begin again.  How do I move on into the next chapter in my life?  How can I get enough money coming in to pay my rent and my bills and my living costs?  What can I do that will double my income?

I’ve been alone before.  I’ve been picking up the pieces and starting out afresh on my own before, but then by my own choice; and previously I’ve been lucky enough to own my own home ~ or I’ve had the equity, money in the bank to see me through.  This time, trying to start again without any money, without any security, without the ability to borrow, and without my new start being my choice … I just don’t know where to begin …

My dire financial situation, following previous unwise decisions and errors of judgement, make it almost impossible for me to move home.  Landlords can choose their tenants carefully nowadays with a wealth of potential renters always looking for new homes, so I’m stuck where I am ~ but I do have a good landlord, and apart from wishing it wasn’t an upstairs flat, I’m happy in my home … I just can’t afford to pay the rent and bills, now that I’m here on my own, so what can I do?

I’ve been feeling a bit stuck, well totally stuck actually!  Right now I can’t find a way to move forward on any level.

My secretarial salary just isn’t enough, and the anxiety that causes is making me just want to run away … fly away … sail away … anything just to get away from everything.  I just want to be in wide open, outdoor, fresh air space, to stop my anxiety suffocating me.  My anxiety and unhappiness crowd out my office, crowd out my mind, crowd out my day.  I feel so hemmed in by my four office walls all week.  I desperately need to do something different.

What should I do though?!  What can I do?  What opportunities can I consider?  Where should I be looking?  What direction can I head in?  These questions keep running through my mind, backwards and forwards all day every day, and often all night too.  Nothing I’ve seen so far will change my circumstances and get me out of the hole I’m in now.  I need to change what I’m looking at … but what to?!

I know I’m not alone in this situation, and sometimes I meet other women who’ve found themselves alone again at a similar age to myself … but they all seem to own their own homes, they all seem to be secure in their jobs, or they have their own businesses; their lives are seemingly sorted, apart from their relationship status and their wounded hearts.  I have plenty in common with them, that’s for sure … but I feel totally isolated in my lack of security and lack of direction, and that just adds to the enormity of everything I’m facing.

My broken relationship has broken me.  I’m trying to let go of my past and move on afresh.  I’m trying to forgive myself, and give myself time to heal … but I’m also trying to rebuild my life from scratch, all over again.  I’m trying to find a job that will make it possible for me to live alone … but I don’t know where to look …

Baggage · First day of the rest of your life · Letting go · Moving on · Starting over

‘Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday’.

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Recognising that I don’t let go of anything easily hasn’t yet helped me in my quest to move on.  Although I’ve realised a major failing of mine is holding on to the past, I haven’t yet managed to master the art of letting go.

The thing is, this dream that I’m having to let go of now had seemed to be the answer to all my prayers.  It held the promise of so much that I’ve hoped for, so much that I’ve longed for and waited for in life.  It wasn’t without complications, in fact it had more than its fair share … but it was worth it.  I felt sure it was worth it.  Nothing worth having comes easily I’d tell myself, and consequently I’d invested into it heavily.  Over the past four years I invested so much of myself and my life into it, believing against all the odds that it could become real, but instead the dream I’d been holding onto for so long began to fall apart, bit by bit, month by month, until finally it just shattered into a thousand pieces.

I don’t feel ready to just drop my dream and move on.  I don’t feel able to just let the pieces go.  Somehow I keep feeling a need to piece it back together ~ to see where it began to break, to work out if it ever could have been more than just a dream, to work out if it ever really was something I should have believed could be real.  I beat myself up relentlessly for my part in the fault lines that led to the breaks, and I cry relentlessly over all the fault lines that caused me pain and sorrow as the dream was falling apart.

None of this is worthwhile though.  None of this will change what’s happened.  None of this will take away the pain and sadness and heartache.  None of this will actually rebuild my shattered dream.  All I’m doing by holding on to the broken pieces is prolonging my pain and sorrow.

I can’t change the things I said, I can’t alter the way I reacted to the hurt inflicted on me.  I can’t put right my wrongs or change the way I was made to suffer.  It’s all history now.  It’s all gone and there’s no way to go back and re-live anything differently.  Until I accept that, until I can let it all go, I know there’s no way forward for me.

In the words of Steve Maraboli (Unapologetically you: Reflections on life and the human experience) “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future … The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realise the situation is over, you cannot move forward”.