So … here I am, wondering how I’m meant to begin again. How do I move on into the next chapter in my life? How can I get enough money coming in to pay my rent and my bills and my living costs? What can I do that will double my income?
I’ve been alone before. I’ve been picking up the pieces and starting out afresh on my own before, but then by my own choice; and previously I’ve been lucky enough to own my own home ~ or I’ve had the equity, money in the bank to see me through. This time, trying to start again without any money, without any security, without the ability to borrow, and without my new start being my choice … I just don’t know where to begin …
My dire financial situation, following previous unwise decisions and errors of judgement, make it almost impossible for me to move home. Landlords can choose their tenants carefully nowadays with a wealth of potential renters always looking for new homes, so I’m stuck where I am ~ but I do have a good landlord, and apart from wishing it wasn’t an upstairs flat, I’m happy in my home … I just can’t afford to pay the rent and bills, now that I’m here on my own, so what can I do?
I’ve been feeling a bit stuck, well totally stuck actually! Right now I can’t find a way to move forward on any level.
My secretarial salary just isn’t enough, and the anxiety that causes is making me just want to run away … fly away … sail away … anything just to get away from everything. I just want to be in wide open, outdoor, fresh air space, to stop my anxiety suffocating me. My anxiety and unhappiness crowd out my office, crowd out my mind, crowd out my day. I feel so hemmed in by my four office walls all week. I desperately need to do something different.
What should I do though?! What can I do? What opportunities can I consider? Where should I be looking? What direction can I head in? These questions keep running through my mind, backwards and forwards all day every day, and often all night too. Nothing I’ve seen so far will change my circumstances and get me out of the hole I’m in now. I need to change what I’m looking at … but what to?!
I know I’m not alone in this situation, and sometimes I meet other women who’ve found themselves alone again at a similar age to myself … but they all seem to own their own homes, they all seem to be secure in their jobs, or they have their own businesses; their lives are seemingly sorted, apart from their relationship status and their wounded hearts. I have plenty in common with them, that’s for sure … but I feel totally isolated in my lack of security and lack of direction, and that just adds to the enormity of everything I’m facing.
My broken relationship has broken me. I’m trying to let go of my past and move on afresh. I’m trying to forgive myself, and give myself time to heal … but I’m also trying to rebuild my life from scratch, all over again. I’m trying to find a job that will make it possible for me to live alone … but I don’t know where to look …