Recognising that I don’t let go of anything easily hasn’t yet helped me in my quest to move on. Although I’ve realised a major failing of mine is holding on to the past, I haven’t yet managed to master the art of letting go.
The thing is, this dream that I’m having to let go of now had seemed to be the answer to all my prayers. It held the promise of so much that I’ve hoped for, so much that I’ve longed for and waited for in life. It wasn’t without complications, in fact it had more than its fair share … but it was worth it. I felt sure it was worth it. Nothing worth having comes easily I’d tell myself, and consequently I’d invested into it heavily. Over the past four years I invested so much of myself and my life into it, believing against all the odds that it could become real, but instead the dream I’d been holding onto for so long began to fall apart, bit by bit, month by month, until finally it just shattered into a thousand pieces.
I don’t feel ready to just drop my dream and move on. I don’t feel able to just let the pieces go. Somehow I keep feeling a need to piece it back together ~ to see where it began to break, to work out if it ever could have been more than just a dream, to work out if it ever really was something I should have believed could be real. I beat myself up relentlessly for my part in the fault lines that led to the breaks, and I cry relentlessly over all the fault lines that caused me pain and sorrow as the dream was falling apart.
None of this is worthwhile though. None of this will change what’s happened. None of this will take away the pain and sadness and heartache. None of this will actually rebuild my shattered dream. All I’m doing by holding on to the broken pieces is prolonging my pain and sorrow.
I can’t change the things I said, I can’t alter the way I reacted to the hurt inflicted on me. I can’t put right my wrongs or change the way I was made to suffer. It’s all history now. It’s all gone and there’s no way to go back and re-live anything differently. Until I accept that, until I can let it all go, I know there’s no way forward for me.
In the words of Steve Maraboli (Unapologetically you: Reflections on life and the human experience) “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future … The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realise the situation is over, you cannot move forward”.