I’m beginning to think that the reason I keep feeling like I’m being blocked from moving on and starting over is that I’m actually just not yet properly ready to do so. I’m possibly the world’s worst at ‘letting go’. I’ve struggled previously to move on from relationships that haven’t weathered well. Even when it’s me that’s made the choice to end things and start afresh, I somehow don’t manage to cut my ties easily and I keep going back for 2nd, 3rd, 4th and more helpings of hurt and disappointment. When I do finally move on, I hold onto dates in my mind, old photos on my laptop, and memories that should really be archived. I don’t actually make a true ‘fresh start’. I’m not harbouring any thoughts of reunion, just holding onto that part of my life as ‘a part of me’, so I tell myself I’m doing no harm … but consequently I’ve inevitably built up a pile of baggage that I carry around with me ~ unintentionally and totally subconsciously … but I’ve finally recognised, to my shame, that this is something I’m guilty of.
If everything went smoothly in my transition right now, I’ve realised I would be taking forward with me a heap of regrets, wounds I’m still licking, and memories still all too fresh. I’ve not yet properly let go of what’s gone. I know my heart is likely to ache for a while yet, but as things are, I would be building my new life amidst the rubble and broken shards of my shattered dreams ~ not on solid foundations.
I’m still beating myself up for my errors of judgement, for my volatile reactions against injustices, and for following my heart instead of going with my gut instincts in the early days of our relationship. I’m still crying over my broken dreams and the years I’ve wasted holding onto lies and broken promises, believing that somehow, against all the odds, we’d work through everything and find happiness again.
I’ve been angry for a long time now; angry with myself, angry with my partner, and angry at all the poison that was poured into our life together. Now that I don’t have to deal with everything involved on a daily basis, my anger has subsided and I’ve realised it was just a guard against sorrow. Now that the anger has gone I just cry, and cry, and cry.
Everything happens for a reason. Everything is as it should be. I keep trying to hold on to that! I look at what’s happened over the past four years and it hurts me massively; but it happened. It happened and it can’t be changed. It’s over now; it’s history. He left me in a cruel and unkind way and I’m hurting … but he’s gone. I need to forgive and forget and leave it all behind me. I need to move on without holding on to any of the pieces of my shattered dreams, without holding onto the memories of what might have been. I miss him, because with him came the realisation of my dream, the promise of a life I’m still dreaming of. I need to let go of that dream and begin to lay my foundations ready to start anew.
So miss him. Send him love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. Eat Pray Love